Friday, September 30, 2005

Daily Thought

Another day has come and gone. They seem to go quicker and quicker. On one hand that is good because it mean that my stay here at the Earth Inn will end more quickly. On the other hand the quicker it goes the less I'll be able to do. Here I am, 24 years old, and have done very little with, and in, my life. I have never seen a mountain or the ocean. Have never lived a carefree day. Have never fully looked into my soul. Have never been allowed to look into the soul of another. And as far as "with" my life, that list can be quite long. I haven't gotten a higher education. Hell, I barely even graduated High School. I work a job that I hate. There are many personal goals I dream of, but have never even begun to work on. Groundhog Day. Over and over and over. It's the same thing. I rarely pay any attention to what day it is anymore. They all run together. The present is always quite boring. However, right now I look to another day.

That's what this is all about. This blog, this life, the whole world. I forget this most of the time, but this is the only thing that I know to be true. We are here to learn and experience, the so called good and the bad. But how might I get anything out of it when I'm in constant fear of the unknown? I look forward to learning and experiencing new things. But for some reason when things get a little chaotic, or peacful for that matter, that goes right out the window. It's like everything that's real inside this human form shuts down or is blocked off and I immediately revert back to instinct. Instinct can be a tricky thing. It's good when you need to survive, but beyond that it only causes problems.

Usually the chaos is not the problem, it's the peace. I, my body, does not know how to react to quiet. Every waking moment we are taking in all kinds of stimulation, whether it be noise, touch, or sight. Thoughts constantly running through our heads. When that peace and quiet does come it's like somebody just dropped a fucking atom bomb. Now my life is in chaos. The noise our minds create is suddenly like a child that won't go to bed. Have you ever sat in another room after putting down a child that does not want to go to bed? Experience this and you will know what I mean.

I know that I'm not the only one that goes through this. I can't be, or I wouldn't be normal. The human condition may affect us all in different ways but it's playing the same game with every one of us. I truly envy those that have gotten past this. Those that have complete control of mind and body. My question to them is: is this a personal journey, or is it something that can be taught to me? Honestly, I have read countless books and while I've gained knowledge of the world around me, I have gotten no further to reaching this rnlightenment. I read everything I can get my hands on. I listen to everyone and everything I come across. I am eager to learn, ready to experience life. But where's my teacher? Who is going to help me down this road? I'll wait, and do what I can to maintain until this person comes. In fact I'll do my best to progress along the path while waiting for a teacher. I tend to think that we can't do things on our own. We need help. This blog is just another avenue of exploration, and has worked thus far. I can say that is has been enlightening as the present always is if I choose to observe. Until next time..........

Wednesday, September 28, 2005


With each day comes another decision. How will I deal with today? Most of the time, however, it does not present itself to me in this fashion. I usually have to struggle through a few hours before I remember that I have this choice to make once again. Some days I'll awaken in the best of moods, and most days are just terrible. The odd thing is those days I awaken with high spirits, not the bad ones. For some reason those good ones, sooner than later, turn sour. On occasion I have made the decision to "be good" when returning from work, but it just does not last. In both instances it's like a dark cloud moves in and takes over. When walking in the door, or setting both feet on the floor from bed. I tell you, it's not a good experience. One might say "make that decision again", but it's just not that simple. I would if only I could stay aware after this event takes place.

This post isn't meant for me to tell you a story from another one of my days. I'm seeking answers and responses. I know that there are people that comes across this site and, for whatever reason, choose not to read and post comments. I know that some of you people out there probably have valuble experiences to share with my and others alike. What is it allows you to stay aware and awake through your day? And if you're not able, what's your story? This individual being sitting in front of this monitor does not have all the answers. I will be the first to admit this. The only thing I know how to do is ask for help. It just seems that I ask the wrong people. Or I'm just looking in the wrong places. Any person that comes across this site has done so for some reason. Either you're searching for answers, or you're seeking out the student that needs the answers you have already obtained. That right there is what life is all about. All anyone is really doing here is learning. Sometimes easy, most times the hard way. Me, usually the hard way. If you've made it this far, then I'm sure you have something to say. Your time is much appreciated.